***Secrets For Sensitive People To Find Relationships That Work: Why Emotional Empaths Stay Lonely Or Alone
Posted on June 10, 2009 - Filed Under Self Improvement
(Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloffs book Emotional freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life)
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isnt always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops Ive been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call emotional empaths come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else theyre in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isnt simply that there arent enough emotionally available people out there, nor is their burnout neurotic. Personally and professionally, Ive discovered that something more is going on.
Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partners energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we dont have time to decompress in our own space. Were super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down theyre afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live.
If this isnt understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesnt feel safe. One empath-patient told me, It helps explain why at thirty-two Ive only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year. Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs–the physical and time limits you set with someone so you dont feel theyre on top of you. Empaths cant fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arms length. In doctors waiting rooms Ill pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends its about half that.
With a mate its variable. Sometimes its rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a Keep Out sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if youve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you dont know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others–make clear that this isnt about not loving them–but get the discussion going. Once you can, youre able to build progressive relationships.
If youre an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom dont jibe with you practice the following tips.
DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NEEDS
Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship
Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate
As youre getting to know someone, share that youre a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being overly sensitive, wont respect your need.
Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good nights rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isnt a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, What space arrangements are optimal? Having an area to retreat to, even if its a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Heres why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partners vibes are sublime, sometimes Id rather not sense them even if theyre only hovering near me. Im not just being finicky; its about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.
Tip 4. Travel wisely
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, Ill always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. Out of sight may make the heart grow fonder.
Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if Im having fun, a form of self-care that he supports.
In my medical practice, Ive seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) whove been lonely and havent had a long-term partner before. Once youre able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.
Author's Bio
Judith Orloff MD, a psychiatrist and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Harmony Books, 2009) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy. and spirituality. Her insights create a new convergence of healing paths for our stressed-out world. Her work has been featured on CNN, PBS, A@E and NPR.For more information and inspiration visit www.drjudithorloff.com.
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